I get asked all the time if I planned on having six kids. The irony of it all is that I spent most of my life planning my life but I never planned on having six kids! As an only child and losing my mom at 16 I spent much of my life watching how to do life from the outside perspective! I knew the life that I was living as a child was not the life that I wanted to recreate for my children! Of course there were huge nuggets of truth that built me to who I am that I gleaned through it all and it was the life that made me who I am.  Yet, I knew as a child that while most of my peers we’re playing, imagining and creating a fairytale that they enjoyed, I spent most of my time creating the real life that I wanted to have some day but it was not going to be a princess being saved by her prince charming in pink dresses with shiny slippers; I knew I wanted the real good life. 

Yes, I am an old soul born through adversity and refined in the fire, but however old my soul is, my spirit and energy are young for life!  Life is a gift and I realized very early on that I wanted to squeeze all of life out of life and if I really wanted “it”, I would have to make “it” happen.  I did long to someday be a mom and have a larger family than my own, but I also longed to really change the world.  I knew I was a leader from the beginning and would continue to have that spoken over me through the year.  I also knew the dreams I had were not for fairytales and make believe, they were for the REAL; believe it or not this is life, the good, the bad, the hard, the hurt, the hope and the healing.  

Today I am 43 with six kids from 5 to 17 and for the first time in my life I think I am beginning to understand surrender! The messages of motherhood start early to do it all,  have it all, be at all and always look great doing it! I started parenting when Pottery Barn was at its prime.  The moms I looked up to all had a lot of money, were a bit older and homes that could make it in the pottery barn catalog any day of the week!  I always surrounded myself with people I desired to be more like because I learned from them.  Motherhood was no different, however the feelings it left me with made me different and some days not for the better.  I felt like I was trying to create my family to look, be and appear like everyone else’s, including the catalogs and magazines, even the facade I knew that it was, it was addicting and contagious.  I always wanted “MORE”,  be more, have more, look more, live more…

We moved from that small town when my third was just about a year old and found ourselves in Flagstaff where we would start fresh, only this time it was about what your home looked like it was what your “homeschool family” looked like.  Yes I was homeschooling and I was 100% all in!  It was daunting but it was something I wanted to prove to myself, my family and the onlookers.  I wanted to be a successful mom right, and all moms know if you can homeschool your kids then you’re a rockstar.  Yes a “rockstar” at a concert of yelling kids, a mad mom and a distraught dad!  There were a few years of homeschooling that rocked my world literally into a full blown auto-immune attack.  For 2 years I struggled everyday with not wanting to wake up and look into the mirror to see what kind of day it would be.  The effects of the attack were always revealed in my face, swelling, puffiness, redness and complete inflammation.  Everyday would be a little different but everyday I knew the mirror would reveal the truth- what my body was processing inside. 

When I finally made it out of that wilderness I knew part of my healing would be to see my world differently. Where there was judgement, a critical spirit and pride I would move forward creating a world and space of healing and hope for life renewed.  

In 2014 I opened ROOTS Mind + Body Health and Fitness.  I would share my own healing journey; the internal and external struggles of healing the mind and body at the roots.  While this journey has been completely transformational on every level, the voices in my head continue to vibrate in my mind and body.  

The real mom struggle to be it all and MORE.  The push and pull between home, work and self care.  The purpose I find out of the home, the passion I feel for my family; the health and vitality I crave for myself. The search for balance and meaning and the tug of war for the living, breathing, bright soul.  

My life is a light; I’ve realized in this journey that sometimes it flickers, sometimes it shines, sometimes it’s a beam and sometimes it only casts a shadow in the dark night of the soul.  

My word for all the moms out there.  Surrender.  Let go of the striving, driving and doing more for less.  Embrace where you are and be thankful for whatever each day may bring.  Sometimes we feel our purpose in our work, sometimes in our home, sometimes in our friends and sometimes not all.  One thing is for sure life is always changing and so are we. Find your function in the Flow and grow!